Children
Without Friends
Their Problems
"He is my very best friend because he tells me things and I tell
him things. He shows me a basketball move and I show him too, and he
never makes me sad."
- "Me and Diana can count on trusting
one another. Yesterday me and Diana talked
about how our parents got a divorce and how the world is going to end."
- "Me and Lemar makes each other laugh
and we play kick soccer."
- "Angie is very special to me. If we get in a fight we always
say sorry. And if she says she would play with me, she plays with me."
(Parker & Asher, 1993)
Peer relationships are important to children's development. Friends
not only provide companionship and recreation, but meet other needs
as well. Through interactions with peers, children learn valuable social
skills. They learn how to do things like join groups, make new friends,
participate in group problem solving, and manage competition and conflict.
Friendships also provide a supportive context in which self-exploration,
emotional growth, and moral development can occur. Of course, learning
and social support also result from relationships with parents, teachers,
and other adults. But it is among other children that children learn
how to interact with equals. Also, it is with peers that children spend
a very high proportion of their waking hours.
Given the significance of friendships to children, imagine what it would
be like to spend over 40 hours a week in school and after-school programs
with lots of other people your own age, but to have few of them like
you or want to be with you. This is the reality for many children. Indeed,
about ten percent of school-age children have no friends in their classes
and are disliked by a majority of their classmates.
Peer rejection in childhood often brings with it serious emotional difficulties.
Rejected children are frequently discontent with themselves and with
their relationships with other children. Many of these children experience
strong feelings of loneliness and social dissatisfaction. Rejected children
also report lower self-esteem and may be more depressed than other children.
Peer rejection is also predictive of later life problems, such as dropping
out of school, juvenile delinquency, and mental health problems. Dropping
out of school seems to be a particularly frequent outcome. Results from
research indicate that, on average, about 25 percent of low-accepted
children drop out of school compared to eight percent of other children
(Parker & Asher, 1987).
It is easy to think of reasons why having difficulties with peers could
lead children to do worse in school and to later drop out. Because students
often study with their friends, help each other with homework, and even
informally tutor one another, a student who lacks friends is likely
to miss out on opportunities to learn school material. Furthermore,
a child who is having problems getting along with others may be more
upset and distracted and therefore, find it harder to concentrate. Even
if a child's academic work is respectable, a child with serious peer
relationship problems might drop out because school is not an enjoyable
place. Indeed, being at school may be quite stressful.
The academic benefits of having friends show up very early in a child's
school career. Consider, for example, research by Ladd (1990) on children
who are making the transition from preschool programs to kindergarten.
This research suggests that those who start kindergarten with a friend
in their class make a better adjustment to school than those who do
not start with a friend. Furthermore, children who maintain their friendships
as the school year progresses like school better, and children who make
new friends make greater gains in school performance.
The quality of a child's peer relationships should be taken seriously.
In the next issues of this newsletter, we will discuss the kinds of
behavior problems and social skill deficits that lead to peer
rejection. We will describe some ways that adults can help children
who are having problems to get along better with their peers. The child
care setting is an important place to help foster positive peer relations
and the development of social skills.
The Reasons for Peer rejection
Children learn valuable skills while interacting with other children.
Many children who lack friends have serious problems during childhood,
adolescence, and adulthood. In this article we will discuss why some
children are accepted by their peers while others are rejected.
WHAT CHILDREN LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND
When children are deciding whether to be friends with someone, they
seem to ask themselves certain "core questions."
- Is this child fun to be with?
- Is this child trustworthy?
- Do we influence each other in ways I like?
- Does this child help me achieve my goals?
- Does this child make me feel good about myself?
- Is this child similar to me?
Of course, children rarely think about these questions consciously or
in these exact words. But research indicates that the answers to these
questions affect whether children will accept or reject a child.
The answers to these six core questions affect not only children's friendships,
but also other types of relationships such as parent-child relationships,
friendships among adults, and marital relationships.
For children's friendships, some questions are more important at certain
ages. For example, preschool and early grade-school children seem to
care more about the first question. They are especially likely to value
friends who are fun to play with. In contrast, adolescents often stress
characteristics relevant to trustworthiness, such as loyalty and keeping
secrets.
How do children decide that someone else is fun to be with or is trustworthy?
An important basis for this decision is the other child's behavior.
Table 1 lists characteristics of children that tend to be associated
with acceptance and rejection by the peer group. Each characteristic
is listed next to the relevant core question. Notice that some behaviors
are relevant to more than one issue. For example, a cooperative child
is perceived as fun, as influencing others in positive ways, and as
helping others reach desired goals. An aggressive child is often viewed
as less fun to be with, as less trustworthy, and as exerting influence
in coercive ways.
Just because a child displays a certain negative characteristic does
not necessarily mean that the child will be rejected. A child's relationship
with peers is based on the entire pattern of his or her behavior. Children's
positive behaviors will help to offset some of their less desirable
behaviors. For example, a child who is sometimes quite bossy may be
accepted by other children if the child also has a good sense of humor,
is good at sports, and is sometimes quite helpful or kind. In contrast,
another bossy child who shows few positive behaviors may be rejected.
As Table 1 suggests, there are many possible routes to becoming rejected
by peers. Different children may be disliked for very different reasons.
Some children seem to antagonize others by being aggressive, while others
annoy their peers by interrupting a lot. Still others are seen as withdrawn
and nonresponsive, or as incompetent at valued peer activities
like sports or games.
Although rejected children differ in many ways, there does seem to be
something they have in common: A large proportion of rejected children
are lacking in positive interaction skills, such as being cooperative,
helpful, or considerate toward others. This suggests that it should
be possible to help these children by teaching them positive ways to
interact with others. We will discuss this possibility in the next issue.
In preparation for this discussion, we suggest that you observe two
or three children in your group who seem to lack friends. See if you
can specify which of the skills in Table 1 they lack and which strengths
they have. Consider discussing your observations with other staff. This
information may help you identify the specific areas each child needs
to work on. In the next issue we will discuss ways to improve children's
social skills.
CHARACTERISTICS ASSOCIATED WITH
PEER ACCEPTANCE AND PEER REJECTION, GROUPED ACCORDING TO SIX CORE QUESTIONS
IS THIS CHILD FUN TO BE WITH?
|
|
ACCEPTANCE
- sense of humor
- resourceful/skillful
- participatory/readily involved
- cooperative
|
REJECTION
- aggressive/mean
- disruptive
- bossy/domineering
- withdrawn/apprehensive
- low cognitive skills
|
IS THIS CHILD TRUSTWORTHY?
|
|
ACCEPTANCE
- reliable
- honest
- loyal
|
REJECTION
- aggressive/mean
- dishonest
- betrays confidences
|
DO WE INFLUENCE EACH OTHER IN
WAYS I LIKE?
|
|
ACCEPTANCE
- cooperative
- responsive
|
REJECTION
- aggressive/mean
- bossy/domineering
- resistant/rigid
|
DOES THIS CHILD FACILITATE AND
NOT UNDERMINE MY GOALS?
|
ACCEPTANCE
- cooperative
- helpful
|
REJECTION
- disruptive
- impulsive
|
DOES THIS CHILD MAKE ME FEEL
GOOD ABOUT MYSELF?
|
ACCEPTANCE
- supportive/kind
- responsive
- likes me
|
REJECTION
- insulting/demeaning
- nonresponsive
- dislikes me
|
IS THIS CHILD SIMILAR TO ME?
|
ACCEPTANCE
- common values and interests
- respect for peer conventions
- same gender, race, age
|
REJECTION
- different values and interests
- nonconformity to peer conventions
- superior manner
|
AUTHORS
Gladys A. Williams, M.P.H.
Doctoral Student, Clinical Psychology
Department of Psychology
University of Illinois - Urbana
Steven R. Asher, Ph.D.
Director
Bureau of Educational Research
University of Illinois - Urbana
REFERENCES
Ladd, G. W. (1990). Having friends, keeping
friends, making friends, and being liked by peers in the classroom:
Predictors of children's early adjustment? *Child Development*, 61,
1081-1100.
Parker, J. G., & Asher, S. R. (1987). Peer
relations and later personal adjustment: Are low-accepted children at
risk? *Psychological Bulletin*, 102, 357-389.
Parker, J. G., & Asher, S. R. (1993). Beyond group acceptance: Friendship and friendship quality as distinct
dimensions of peer adjustment. In W. H. Jones & D. Perlman (Eds.), *Advances In Personal
Relationships* (Vol. 4). London:
Kingley.
Reprinted with permission from
the National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Asher,
S.R. & Williams, G. (1993). Children without friends, Part
1: Their problems. In Todd, C.M. (Ed.), *Day care
center connections*, 2(6), pp. 3-4. Urbana-Champaign,
IL: University
of Illinois
Cooperative Extension Service.
Reprinted with permission from
the National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Asher,
S. R. & Williams, G. A. (1993). Children without friends,
Part 2: The reasons for peer rejection. In Todd, C.M.
(Ed.), *Day care center connections*, 3(1), pp. 3-5. Urbana-Champaign,
IL: University
of Illinois
Cooperative Extension Service.
National Network
for Child Care http://www.nncc.org/
